I ran as quickly as I could to catch him, if I didn’t catch him, I would be in serious trouble and he had just managed to escape through some bars and hid in the cover of the shadows, heavy breathing and with menacing eyes. I must catch him before he, before it harms my children. I reached through the bars and stretched as far as I could stretch until my shoulder was about to pop free and bang! Crashing pain in my face and spinning in a dark room…. Back in the room. Another effing anxiety dream only this time very new and a different more menacing tone than before. As I awoke confused with a pain in my face, I realised that instead of reaching through bars I was lying face down in bed with my arm over the side reaching for the floor, rolled out of bed and gashed my left eyebrow on the side of the marble bed table. F***k!
Back to bed….
I was later awoken by an alert on my mobile (Note to self – no phone near bed) – my digital post man had delivered yet another letter from my friends at Kronofogden to remind me, as if I had forgotten, that I owe Swedbank 270000 SK and they were putting more interest and charges on what was already interest and charges. Yayy!
Swedbank! Masters of malice., dealers in deceit, peddlers of lies, odious, insidious, launderers extraordinaire. I am amazed at how disgusting a bank can be and Swedbank really takes the podium. After giving a loan which on reflection should never have been given in the first place, we were lied to, manipulated and was the trigger of the series of mental breakdowns. We took them to court in a dispute and they blatantly lied in court. This organisation has no limits to how far it sinks down the morality ladder. I could go on though I am sure I will later though for now it’s just getting me in a twist. I even wrote a direct complaint to the CEO now gone of course along with 14 other executives to which I have no surprise at all. This still makes nee chuckle click here She just pinged the complaint back to the department I was complaining about. Most organisaitons I have dealt with have a clean and relatively fair approach to dealing with complaints and actively try to avoid a complaint from happening. This organization treats complaints with detest and goes into ‘damage limitation’ mode.
Anyway, I digress.
We still owe a large sum of money, after taking our home, and that some of money has doubled in 18 months purely on interest and charges. Where on earth does it make sense to put these kinds of charges on debts where people clearly cannot pay the original amount. I am not a banker though possibly it’s because if they write it off, they have a kind of insurance to get a % back. I do not know, however it really doesn’t seem logical to the consumer, to morality, to keeping and growing one’s customer base. It has got to the point now where I don’t even flinch when I get a letter from Kronofogden. It has become more of an insane chuckle and then I think there is no point in even opening them anymore as it will just be a charge on charge which has received a penalty of which has increased % rates and because there is another charge, we had to write to you. Oh, and because we sent you this letter that will be another charge which has absolutely no resemblance to the actual cost of what we are charging for. Tack tack!
I have never been in debt before, and never had a black mark on my name and my credit rating super positive as my new Swedish girlfriends would say. I had always been moneywise and invested in property and kept excellent financial administration. I also was opportunistic and saw quick ways to make cash and the longer-term investments too. My failure was assuming my partner understood at least the very basics of managing finances, business and trusting her far too much. They said to me not long ago, regarding their take on my trust is that ‘maybe I loved them too much’ – Thankfully my self-control allowed me to meander away and not act out my impulsive thought of jumping up and down on their face. Fuck right off!
Enough of this negative thinking!
So today I went to see my son’s therapist and had to answer the usual everyday questions like, am I violent and abusive, do I restrict his rights as a human being, do I feed him and wash his clothes – FFS! Exhausting stuff. I never ever thought I would find myself in this situation. Due to the events of the past few years, we obtained therapy for my son as I fear he maybe a little depressed, sad, and anxious which would be of no surprise. We have been through hell and back probably three or four times over. However today it was the parents review time. I realise they must ask these questions though being asked, being in a situation where someone needs to ask you is truly, truly horrible. We got through it my ex-wife occasionally bursting into tears and myself wondering why as I made it abundantly clear at the time what she should have been doing and not what they did. Focus back to son. We talked in depth about how we had tried to engage social services on numerous occasions however received pushback or redirection to which the psychologist was very surprised. The meeting, considering the topic, went relatively well and she offered to write a ‘letter of concern’ to the services to get their undivided attention. You see in Sweden if someone in authority issues a ‘letter of concern’ then social services are legally obliged to help us. A ‘letter of concern’ is the same letter someone would write if they feared for the safety of a child. This is the extreme action we needed to take to get help, this is what it takes to get help here – shocking? But true. At least I can vouch for our case.
Please don’t get the wrong idea, I love my children more than life, would do anything for them, would die for them without hesitation. Though I am so concerned for their wellbeing, the impact of the past years, the bankruptcy, losing our home, moving 4 times in 3 years, 3 new schools, divorce. It has been a rollercoaster ride of despair for all of us and there had been very little time to focus on their mental well-being, when their parents were juggling so many balls trying to keep things together, working all hours. Pushing water up a hill would be an understatement. Now there is calm. Still debt and loss and getting over trauma though calm. I am trying to rebuild with the children front and centre. My daughter seems fine however my son seems more effected. He is a more sensitive soul and was far more rooted where we used to have a home. It breaks my heart when I see him upset and sad of the loss of locality and physical closeness of his friend circles. Of the home he loved. Of the family he loved being with and I have complete empathy as I went through a similar chain of events when I was his age. This is also why I find it incredible that history is repeating itself, when I set out determined to not make the same mistake. In fact, I didn’t I just made other mistakes which had the same result.
This is another reason I write this journal to try and understand the psychology and reasoning. Why did I go against what I felt was right, why did I break my own rules, why did I agree certain things when I didn’t want to? Am I weak? Was I greedy? Did I have an underlying urge to create stress as by doing nothing I would have been living the dream. One thing is for sure it has made me question everything I have strived for, everything I thought I wanted to be. It has enabled me to tap into areas I allowed to fade away such as writing, painting, and drawing, fitness, and health. My children and family, my friends… love … what are the real things that make us happy. This time I am not looking for the cliché, but I am on a very real, path to enlightenment and I cannot stop as this is all I have left and maybe all I ever really had to begin with
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