Gratitude in the Most Surprising of Places 17/11/2021

Today is my day with the shrink, my head doctor. I have to say this guy is good, I like him a lot and has a good sense of humor and level of intellect, kind of like the Swedish Fraser. He enables me to find energy to get through the following couple of weeks until I see him next to update on progress. He reminds me that to still be standing, maintaining a professional job, and looking after two children as well as the chaotic changes and extremes loss. Dealing with all this, having breakdowns for breakfast and panic attacks for tea, I must give myself some credit and recognise the incredible achievement of still being able to move forward and it almost feels that I should start playing ‘When the going gets tough the tough get going’ though more often it doesn’t feel that way. Yes, I am doing all these things, yes, I have experienced things I would not wish upon anyone however I have felt so very weak. Like one more thing will shatter the camel’s back into a million pieces.

It reminds of another saying, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What a crock! I love sayings and phrases especially when they are so fitting like ‘horse for courses’ ‘better one bird in hand than two in the bush’ – brilliant! However, what doesn’t kill you…. utter nonsense. Most of the past few years I have felt like I am treading water gradually swallowing more and more water to the point that the water mass is greater than the air aka drowning (haha just realised I was describing drowning as I typed). Getting out of bed every day has been a battle, going to sleep a major feat, staying asleep worse. Just getting through the day and doing things we normally take for granted has been so very, very hard., ever since the major breakdown.

The dread of hearing the phone or anxiety of going to letter box. These are now normal everyday occurrences. That my psychologist is amazed at my strength and commitment to getting out of the tunnel to surviving the adversity of the past was a surprise to me and invigorating one at that, for I really didn’t see that, I didn’t see the strong person fighting battle after battle after battle but someone trying to walk and being constantly run over by the next driver to the point I could barely stand. He made me see things in a different light that in the hideous darkness of what was could be the rebirth of a new me (Hal 3.0), one that is more compassionate, understanding, thoughtful, spiritual, and guided by the most powerful experiences. That each battle whether won or lost did not matter as the winning of the war mattered not either. Rather it was the journey itself and what was learnt was the most pertinent. That I should turn the negative in on itself and use the energy to learn, develop and grow. To turn hate into love, loss into discovery, pain into peace, and fear into calm. That the weakened broken soul I envisaged was in fact just a driven and energized being reserving itself for the next battle or stage on the journey.

This psychologist has been the first therapist that I have engaged in such a way, as I have found previous experience banal, standard, and not at all helpful. He however has managed to tap into something in me that has enabled me to see through a different lens and light the way forward. Maybe too our minds seem to sit on similar planes allowing for such a reciprocal exchange. So glad to have crossed paths at such a crucial period, a stroke of luck indeed.

Gratitude!