Reconstructing HAL 24/11/2021

I am so tired of feeling continual acute stress and anxiety. As I tried to work today my neck felt like stone, and left arm started shaking, more like a quake. I realised that I had not breathed for a while and took a sudden gasp for air. My chest was tight again and felt like it was going to crack. Life is not meant to be like this surely; I must find a way to control these outbreaks, these imposters, though it is worse when I sit alone working on my computer feeling stressed and continually focused on something for so long, that I do not enjoy.

In fact, I only do so to pay the bills, put food on the table and finish the mortgage. However, the latter is gone and being in a rental makes the old goals seem pointless and then I remind myself of the children and positive thinking and a need to reset. Sometimes I feel that feeling good again, feeling free again, feeling alive again and not being in a glass prison is an impossible ice climb. Each few steps I take suddenly the ice gives way and I slide back down the mountain. It is so hard and gruelling, though I know I must do it and I must always look for better equipment to help me on the way. However sometimes in these dark moments I experience a kind of paralysis, both physical and mental. This has been happening ever since the first major breakdown and a reason I am typing now during the working day. Writing gets me out of it, its my coffee break, my lunch, it makes me think in a different direction, helps me become buoyant again. Alas I have to return to my paid job and hope I don’t find myself sliding down the slippery slope this time, off into the dark.

I need to reconstruct myself, to make new goals, better goals, wipe the slate clean, bring with me all that I have gratitude for and leave all else behind. I will be better and the future will be the best. No negotiation, no compromise, and no dishonesty toward myself. A fresh break where anything is possible. Constraints of the past be gone and may the final chapters be the most memorable and fulfilling years to date.