With stress at work and my current mental state, I would describe my state of mind today as a spinning Rubik's Cube, and the more I imagined a spinning Cube, the more I appreciated the analogy. Having been through a series of traumatic events, where everything I have worked for and built my whole life towards has disintegrated in a comparatively short time, where solutions are rare and where I feel I have almost completely lost control of my destiny, my future, mine and my children’s security, our home, I find myself looking for solutions at an ongoing speed like I have never done before. Searching every combination, hypothesis and idea, seems to fail as my tools are not longer there and I need to find new ones (Apparently failure are the stepping stone to success so I must be on track). For a naturally analytic, strategic and carefully planned individual this is a very overwhelming position to be in.
My mind continually analysing what to do, how to go forward, how to grow again, how to recover, physically, financially, as a parent, as a person. Everything I was had been completely deconstructed. I either perish or fight though when solutions still do not come, only the feeling of increasing complexity to the challenges, one’s brain either breaks or clicks into a kind of hyperdrive.
I have now broken far more times than I can count and every time, brush off, get up and carry on. However now I am again feeling in a hyperdrive mode, a survival instinct possibly. And while working today my brain felt like a large puzzle, one large Rubik's Cube rotating in every way faster than the human eye could focus trying to work the way forward. My conscious self had just given into the overwhelming feeling that subconsciously the brain was trying to work things out.
Until, a quick snap and it was then replaced by a song on loop. Almost as annoying as repetitive loop anxiety dreams. It was not even a whole song but a verse going over and over and over, just on the rim of subconscious, poking out just enough to make damn sure I could hear it. Over and over. This must have started at 10am and I had the same song going continuously until 4pm. Fuck! The Rubik's Cube was replaced by Pretty Little Song by Bob Vylan – playing live all bloody day. I don’t even like it that much; why does the brain do that! Random song, play, loop, permanent…. Is there part of our brain that sets out deliberately to annoy or divert away when under extreme stress.
'I'm no pacifist, I'm smashing fists At every single racist prick I meet I'm not having it, there's no "Kum ba yah" To be found 'round here, no groovy beat No liberal lefty cunt Is gonna tell me punching Nazis ain't the way If you wanna hold hands and sing Go do it over there while the big boys play, okay'
Hyperdrive mode suddenly fell out of light speed at the command of Vylan, for the mind not to become a vegetative state. Sub conscious, self-preservation. Or is it spirits of the past coming forward with unworldly cryptic advice to help in times such as these using modern punk culture as a vehicle of spiritual communication? Even during meetings no matter how long, the song was still there pushing oneself to almost schizophrenic proportions, nervous that any second, I may break into verse as my CEO discussed end of year figures and as he announces the forecast in, I come “I like violence, fuck off liberal lefty cunt, go stand in the corner while the big boys play” – nice EOY bonus for me.
Unravelling of the mind - Rubik's vs Vylan...
I found a pretty cool photo by Barbara McMahon of the same name. Needless to say, I probably couldn’t afford a blow up of the original however they do t-shirts for 20 USD – bingo! I think I may just have enough for this one. Click here. A picture of electronic activity within the mind.
Anyway, back to cookoff with my son. He made awesome Wagyu burgers. What a treat. Our local butcher sells grade 5 Wagyu burger for 50 SEK each – amazing if you consider the price of MacDonald’s made from something from Brazil grazing on soon to be palm oil plantations. OK I am not saying Wagyu is environmentally correct, not at all. Just highlighting the price. They were the strangest things to make as the meat is so fragile, so soft that it literally falls apart in your hands, and we had to use a special technique to keep the meat together and then flash fry. Truly astonishing burger. Well done son!
Tomorrow we are going Kangarooterian and cooking up kangaroo steak and possibly Ostrich steak the following day…. Ostrichterian Sunday? This may put him off steak for quite a while.
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